Mon Panache Is A Pill
by Boys Should Kiss Boys More
Summary: Based on Cyrano De Bergerac. With a twist. Not a X-over, just a theme to match such on as the play.


Dib hissed below his breath, relishing the fact that he could hear all other's do the same. The worst person in the office: Cody. A suck-up, kiss ass, and as everyone had improvised the old saying:

A white-nose. Of course the person had missed.

Cody walked over to their boss, boasting about something, when finally, much to everyone's appreciation, the boss glared at him, silencing all immediately.

"Shut up, for god sakes Cody!" Cody did indeed silence himself. "Just go back to your desk, and do your fucking job! Nothing less, nothing more. And no talking to other employees." After a short pause, the boss added, "or me, for that matter."

Cody shuffled back down the hallway, and the other clerks shared a look of immense happiness. Suddenly, one by one they shushed each other as the prize of the office walked down the hall.

Zim. A boy, but a damn sexy one at that. Always wearing tight light gray jeans, a devilish pink shirt, a different style and shade everyday. He had the sweetest smile, but the snarkiest attitude. Always witty and sharp, and sarcastic as hell.

Maybe that's why he was the only boy in the world most of the men would leave their wives for. But, despite the infatuation many men had with Zim, the sexy man would only talk to a total of two people (3 if the boss really counted) in the office.

Dib. One of his best friend's. And Keef. A timid, but sickeningly sweet and adorable kid quite a few people could stand.

Zim was one of those people. Dib, not so much. But if it was a way to keep close to Zim, he would put up with it. Dib felt himself drift off to a much more erotic place as Zim bent over to retie his tennis shoes. After a few seconds Dib was completely gone, chin in his hand, and a shit-eating grin plastered to his face.

"Dib? Are you alright?" Zim asked, waving a hand over Dib's face. The dark-haired boy snapped to attention and smiled. "Good. I was wondering if you wanted to-"

"Dib! Help!" Keef shouted. The boss was ignoring them, for this was too common to stop. Dib grinned sheepishly at Zim, apologizing for the interruption, but the younger just smiled and shooed him off with Keef.

"What the hell do you want Keef?! Zim as talking to me!" Dib asked in annoyance. Keef nodded hastily.

"I know! He was about to invite you to dinner and a movie!" Dib's eye twitched angrily. "He invited me too! But I don't know what to do!" Keef muttered frantically.

You see, it was a fairly well known fact that Keef fancied Zim as much as any other man in their office, but only he had the real potential to get with the man. He was the sort of person Zim liked. What was not a well-known fact, was that Dib was a great actor.

And thusly great at covering his real emotions. Usually. Except when Keef really, really got on his nerves.

"Why am I brought into this?"

"I want you to say you can't go! And help me win Zim over!" Keef pleaded. Dib shot the redhead a skeptical look. "You're the only semi-intelligent person here! I'm no good with words, so I want you to tell what to say!" Dib's mouth fell into a grim smile. He didn't; want to, necessarily.. But perhaps he could twist an arm a bit to make things work out for him.

"And how am I supposed to tell you what to say?"

"I.. I got this kit thing, where you could be talking to me through a micro-chip, and you'd here what Zim would say! And you could tell.. me.. how to respond.. And stuff." Keef looked away nervously, feeling almost like an idiot.

"..." Keef bit his lip. "Alright." The redhead brightened immediately, and Dib forced himself to smile. Keef grabbed Dib's hand, and they shook on it. I was going to pick up Zim before dinner, so I'll swing by a little early, and drop off the kit stuff!" Dib nodded silently, before turning away. "Hey-!"

"I have to go turn down a group date with Zim, remember?" Keef nodded, following Dib before turning back to his own cubicle. Dib returned to his seat to find Zim still waiting for him.

"Sorry I kept you waiting, Zim." The man shrugged. "So, what were you saying before?"

"Oh yes! I was wondering if you wanted to go to dinner and a movie with me and Keef?" As much as Dib's heart ached, he shook his head slowly. "Hmm?" Zim looked sad.

"I cant. I have a big project to do." He lied. Zim pouted. "I'm really sorry Zim."

"It's OK.. Keef can be.. Good company." Dib heard him mutter 'sort of' under his breath, and couldn't help but smile.

* * *

Dib opened the door lazily and Keef barged in. He had a small black bag that as making clinking sounds as he walked hurriedly. "Weren't you supposed to be at Zim's at 5?" Dib looked at the clock: 4.

"I know! I was so stressed about what to where and whether I should grab a snack I panicked!" Dib smirked, and plopped back into his still luke-warm seat on the couch as Keef duped the contents of the bag on his coffee table. "Ok! So, I wear this one in my ear!"

The orange-haired man placed a chip in his ear, and handed on to Dib. The dark haired other did the same. He spoke, and Keef nodded in approval.

"Maybe we should try it when wee more than 3 feet from each other?" Keef smacked his forehead, and nodded. "I've gotta piss anyways." Keef looked at him lopsidedly, but returned to fidgeting with the gadgets, as dib unzipped his pants after locking the door, he began to question why he was helping Keef. He had plenty better looks, and knew Zim much better. Why shouldn't he be the one going on that date, just him and Zim?

Oh, right. Because he didn't want to fuck up the best friendship he had ever had. He washed his hands as he spoke to Keef. "Can you hear me?"

"Yep yep!" The redhead's vice was far too cheery, and all Dib wanted was a cold beer for 3. But he had to be civil, mature, and god-knows how well spoken.

It was going to be a long night.

* * *

"Keef! You're just in time! I had just got my shoes on!" Keef smiled sheepishly, and nodded.

_"Hand him the flower."_ Dib commanded after a long slurping sip of coke. Keef resisting nodding, just as he and Dib had practiced for a few minutes before he left. He held out the pinkish-red rose to Zim smiling still.

"For you." He simply stated. A flushed look drowned out Zim's face, and Keef felt quite proud of himself. Zim took the rose, dashing inside quickly to set it in a vase, filled with water. Finally, he returned back outside.

"Thank you Keef, it's lovely." Zim said. Dib ground his teeth, imagining their perfect evening already. He wanted to throw his empty can against something, but for fear of interrupting Keef, he refrained.

He heard Keef's car start up, and the redhead start casual conversation with Zim. Dib could almost sense the waves of nervousness, and slight embarrassment radiate off Zim, even through the earpiece. He felt sorry for the poor man, wishing he could be there to be his swift and adoring self.

But alas....

* * *

Dib was bored out of him mind, unallowed to do anything other than focus on the conversation -a boring one mind you- that was slowly taking place between his love and his rival.

"So Keef.. What do you think of Dib?" Zim asked politely, considering he had been dying to ask that question all night. Keef didn't stutter, not even choke a little on his drink. Dib had been hoping this would be an opening, but even a mongoloid like Keef had his own opinion.

"Oh he's great! He is probably one of the smartest people in the office! But he can be a bit of a grump sometimes, and doesn't like people who are too loud or obnoxious." Dib almost smiled, Keef had him pegged accurately enough, he wasn't going to complain. "Oh, he likes guys! I don't know if he's strictly gay, bi, or what! But he likes guys, I know that much."

Dib himself was choking on his latest soda, but Keef only took it to fall in with Zim's own choking on ice tea. "W-what!?"

"Dibs gay." Keef repeated. Zim didn't say anything, just sat, catching his breath. Dib was smacking his forehead repeatedly, for ever agreeing to help with idiot.

"Zim, are you OK?"

"Yes! Yes.. Keef, I'm fine." Zim assured, putting on a simple smile. "So.. What about you?" Now, Keef decided to freeze up. Dib chuckled darkly, but still had a plan to carry out.

"_Just tell him about you. That cant be hard._" Dib muttered. Keef smiled. And the date went on.

* * *

Thankfully, Dib wasn't needed much throughout the movie, only to instruct Keef where and when to put his hands. Though, the redhead chickened out of each suggestion. Dib was sprawled out on his couch, tried, a little horny, and dying for a beer, by the time Keef was dropping Zim off.

"It was a fun night, Keef." Zim squeaked sweetly. Dib couldn't tell, but his tone was off. He could tell by the rustling, however that Keef had nodded frantically.

"It was!" A short silence was filled in Dib's thoughts as he tried to help move things along. He finally blurted out.

"_Kiss him!_" Keef reacted immediately, leaning forward, and pressing his lips gently to Zim's. Zim squeaked again, this time in something of discomfort. but he didn't push away. Zim needed something like this. Finally, breaking for air despite the childish aspects of the kiss, Keef and Zim were both blushing. Dib shook his head, anger boiling.

"Goodnight.. K-Keef." Zim kissed his cheek, before running inside his house, heart pounding.

Keef turned away from the door, his lips still tingling, before racing back to his car and squealing with delight once inside. Dib, at this point, was sick of all this crap, yelling at Keef, more gibberish than real words, before ripping the chip out of his ear, and going for a beer.

* * *

"How's it going, Zim?" Dib asked, casually. Zim looked up at him, smiling.

"Good, Dib. I had a nice date with Keef last night." Dib nodded thoughtfully. "I was wondering though, if I could talk to you at lunch, just real quick?" Dib felt a little shocked.

"S-sure.."

"What's up?" Dib asked, after having been pulled into a side office by an overeager Zim. Just as he let his guard relax, Zim leaned up on his toes, and kissed him passionately.

"Dib.. I love you.."

"But.. Your date with Keef!" Dib tried to cover. Zim smirked.

"I know Keef just well enough to know he isn't _that_ smooth, or suave." Dib had been found out, but he still tried to brush it off.

"You never know! People surprise you sometimes!" Zim laughed. "H-hey-!!"

"I know it was you Dib. That equipment was faulty. I could hear the lowest murmur of your voice." Zim was pressing himself into Dib, purring under his breath. Dib couldn't comprehend what his long-awaited love was doing, but he was brought back top reality as Keef shrieked from the doorway.

Zim suddenly retracted himself from Dib, looking around the room, worried about everything now. Keef looked ready to cry, Dib was still rather confused, while Zim stood, waiting for someone to take action.

Dib suddenly turned to glare, not at Keef as he would've normally for interrupting something like this, but instead at Zim, for being so.. Rude!

"You're... horrible." Dib muttered, before running out of the room without another word.

* * *

"What?" Dib asked, just about to open his second bottle of beer that night. Hew wasn't int he mood, but had recognized Keef's number. "Hello?"

"Go for it. You deserve him." Keef said, his voice like a sharp smirk.

"What the hell are you talking about, Keef?"

"Zim told me straight out that he didn't really like me. I think.. You better go to him." Dib wanted to object, but Keef sensed as much. "Just do it." An empty dial tone bussed in Dib's ears, before he shot up from his seat and ran to his beat up car sitting in the driveway.

* * *

Zim sat, head in hands, and his eyes still letting tears drop. A knock at his door scared him, but he wobbled over to answer it. "Wh-who's there?"

"Me." Zim opened the door slowly, despite his excitement to see the person. "Hey, Zim.."

He threw himself into Dib's arms, sobbing. "Dib!" Zim looked up. "What're you doing here?" Dib shook his head, bringing Zim into a sweet kiss.

"I love you."

"I've always loved you!" Dib couldn't understand why Zim was crying, if his tone seemed to elevate such happiness. Zim pressed another sloppy and salty kiss to Dib's lips, begging for entrance. Dib granted such, and wrapped his arms around Zim's small form. "I thought you hated me after today.. That's why.."

"Why what?"

Zim fell limp in Dib's arms, and everything seemed to freeze. The man's breathing had stopped, and his head lolled forward. Dib looked down, into the lifeless eyes of someone he had just obtained.

"Zim.." Looking around the nearby spots of the house, a bottle of pills, and a glass of wine caught his eye. He looked back at Zim, before he collapsed, Zim still in his arms, to the floor.

"Zim..."

* * *

**Well, there ya go! An angsty twist to the Cyrano De Bergerac/Roxane Theme I was going for. Hope ya like it! Read and rate, please!**


End file.
